For anyone who has ever read Little Red Riding Hood, they will be happy to know that this movie is nothing like the original story. Apparently the story of a girl going to her grandmother's house and a visit from a scary wolf does not have enough appeal for a large audience. Let's fast track to the actual movie - an adult, doe-eyed girl with a strange affinity for axes lives in a ridiculous town straight out of Forks, Oregon. One expects Edward Cullen, with his Maybelline product in hand, to pop out behind a mossy knoll. Cue - a giant werewolf with expressive ears attacks the entire village with a voice channeling that of a Rachael Ray chain smoker. Last I checked this is a similar story out there by name of Twilight. The movie then takes an awkward turn to a "who-done-it" mystery. Catherine Hardwicke should be stripped of all directorial privileges, and the paycheck to go along with it. Hardwicke maintains her reputation as a ridiculous director caught up in unrestricted doses of testosterone and estrogen. In other words, she has an unusual fetish for teenager angst and lust. When a twenty or thirty something woman makes movies about teenagers, it's passable because she knows how to relate to her audience; however, when a 50-year-old woman is devoutly in love with werewolves and vampires, then we have some problems. Some of you might be familiar with Hardwicke's groundbreaking (rather like highly grossing) Twilight movie, where once again we have werewolves and vampires dueling it out for the affection of some homely, glossy-eyed, trolley mouthed, mousy girl by the name of Kristen Stewart. This movie, on our famous 10 point scale where 10 is Genius (Tara would say a movie such as Pulp Fiction is 10 Mendy-worthy, whereas Michael would say Casablanca or Black Swan) this movie is, at best, a 1. DON'T WASTE YOUR MONEY - unless you like to shred money and watch your cinematic dreams turn into paper pulp.
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